It’s who I am

Under it all, deep within me … a girl is who I’ve always been and always will be.

Well lets see … girls really do get to have all of the fun.

Being able to wear makeup to cover any of my flaws.

I love to smell good

Yes, I do cry for no reason, it’s natural. (And crying in public is acceptable)

Being able to comb my hair any way I want.

I love the color pink and love wearing it.

I love having smooth legs, whether I wear nylons or not.

I like decorating, cooking, fashion and I feel at home doing them.

I absolutely love wearing high heels, even when my feet hurt at the end of the day.

I need to carrying a purse for all my stuff.

I love Ann Taylor, Victoria’s Secret, Bluefly, Chadwicks and so many more.

Dress, skirts and blouses and high heels … oh, yes!

Just a few of the things I love about being a girl!!

A woman inside and within my soul

For my entire life I have know in mind, spirit and soul … I am a woman.

I am 68 inches tall and weigh 170 pounds. I know I’m overweight and working on losing 35-40 pounds. I have Salt & Pepper hair (dark brown with flecks of gray).

My misfortune occurred at birth when I received the body of a male with its disgusting plumbing. I spent my young life experience life as a girl, single Mom allowing me a wide latitude to be myself. As I got older thought society said I had to be different.

Although my mind, soul and spirit were female, since my body was male I had to ‘OBEY’. I did and hid myself for years, decades. Finally at about age 40 I had an epiphany, a moment when the warring factions inside me came to an agreement.

I was a woman regardless of my outside appearance and although I just could not magically or in any way change over night … it was alright to be myself and let others see the real me even with a bogus facade.

So at least mentally I was at peace and my spirit and my heart soared. Being a little older my mind see women more like they were when I grew up in the 50’s and 60’s. At least in how they dress. I like wearing bras, panties, girdles and corsets. The latter helps to accent me where I’m not accented correctly. Also we’ve seen where some women, Hollywood stars mostly, seem to think proper dress is anything but.

I also love nylons and believe they were made for a woman to help he appreciate herself more. The same with high heels. A woman should always be, at least a work, in a dress and/or a skirt with a blouse. I am speaking of course for work in an office like I do as an accountant.

Yes I know some might think I’m disillusioned but I believe this is how I was made to be. Always to dress and act properly and present a feminine appearance. Being demure and discreet and not over powering and over sensual. A Lady with a capital ‘L’.

I am always conscious of the fact that I am a woman. My heart is always open to be compassionate to others and hopefully waiting to find that special someone to whom I can give my heart and it would be safe always. My mind tells me how to sit, walk, talk and to be always vigilant and to listen before judging. My spirit soars and knows that all is possible. My soul knows the real me and sustains me and belongs to God.

I am always conscious of who i am and try to be the best me I can be and in doing so not to bring disgrace or shame to women. I celebrate women and being a woman. I consider it a privilege and a difficult task. A privilege to be in a group of “divine contradictions” (as a Frenchman once said), a task cause I must deal with men who for the most part are unruly and at times obnoxious.

I proclaim myself quietly right now … but one day I’ll shout it loudly and no one will be able to call to question who I really am. That’s when my body will unite happily with my mind, my spirit and my soul.

[A re-post I wrote from another site]

I am different, even in the business world

I am a woman, it’s just that I’m trapped in a man’s body.  Have been all my life and yet somehow I muddle through.

I am a business woman cause in my mind, heart and soul I know I am a woman and I must go out every day and sell my capabilities and my companies to clients and prospective clients. I’m self-employed as accountant and as such putting a roof over my family’s head and food on the table makes it imperative that I be ‘right on perfect’ everyday.

Now, I don’t get to dress in pretty dresses and skirts, nylons and wear heels (even thought I want to and would be more comfortable) but I am still a business woman. I conduct myself in a lady-like manner all the time being well mannered, courteous, refined and polite … in the office, at home, at a restaurant or just out somewhere. It’s just natural.

I often receive complements on how I have an ability to improvise, I use intuition with logic, the ability to multitask and multithink, I am emotionally sensitive, have an ease with relationships, share information to obtain collaborative results and can use authority and not abuse it.

These complements most always all come from male bosses and clients and then they add the qualifier that “its odd since your not a woman”. Little do they know.

As long as I can market myself and earn a wage I’ll be in business for myself. My traits, female traits, make me better … personally and professionally.

I am a businesswoman … I just wear drab and unisexual clothes.

[A re-post I wrote from another site]

Dreams

I  dream of being a woman. I have all my life and the dream, whether awake or asleep is always the same.

I am a woman living my life. Working at a job, taking care of a home and a family, and even those every day necessities … shopping, driving, working around the house or just sitting and watching a movie or reading a book or magazine.

At night I dream and in these dreams I am always a woman. My dreams seem so real and vivid cause I can remember almost every detail. They are also in color, nor black and white and hazy. They have always been this way for me even as a child.

Yes I do dream, dream of being a woman. Always!

[A re-post I wrote from another site]

A draft of a letter I need to write

Dear Children,

What I have to tell you, is not an easy to do. That’s is why I have written it down, to explain some thing about myself. You mean a lot to me and I have grown tired of hiding this from you.

Since I was very young I have realized that these feelings I have cannot be denied. I want, I need to tell you that I have felt like a woman, both emotionally and mentally, since early childhood.

I have felt like a “women trapped in a man’s body. Generally I have always felt that my body was inappropriate, uncomfortable and just plain wrong at least once a day, every day, forever.

I hid this from you because I have felt so at odds with my identity and the societal role I was expected to play as a male.  Feeling as I have always felt, that I should be a female, broke society’s rigid norms.

As I have matured, I tried to bury these feelings and all that caused was a war within myself.  I came to peace within myself over 20 years ago and I still the real me from you.

In coming to that internal peace I realized I had to chose one of three options: to kill myself, to live in misery or to seek peace and become whole. I chose to seek peace and become whole.

Making my outer self (my body) reflect my true inner self (my spirit and soul). At that time I also realized that it would be a slow process as several of you were still living at home and my responsibility was to you, not to myself.

I am transgender and it is not a choice, I was born wrong. My physical sex doesn’t match my mental gender, I am a transexual. It’s a medical condition. It’s about feeling that you’re in the wrong body, and you desperately need to change it in order to really be at peace with yourself.

I’ve always been afraid to tell you as I was afraid I would lose you. Selfish, I know. As I grow older, as did you, I realized that this choice is not mine to make. Now you are adults yourself and you deserve to weight these facts and make your own decision.

It is rightfully your decision to make. It is not my intention to embarrass or upset you. I ask that you recognize the fact that I’ve made this decision after years of unhappiness, not in you, but rather deep within me.

I’ll be very open and honest about this and I’m perfectly willing to answer any serious questions you may have about what is happening to me, within reason of course.

First, this change will not occur overnight but rather over several years in which I will assume my life and all that entails as a woman. The reason that I’m telling you about this transition now is that I’ve recently formally started the process.

This process, this transition, will culminate in what’s commonly referred to as a ‘sex change’. Why, you may ask? Because it’s the only way I’ll be comfortable in my body.

Overall, you can expect things to remain pretty much the same as they’re now, other than a new name and gender for me. I don’t expect you to understand or approve of my decision however, I do expect you to respect and accept this decision.

The me inside is the one you have always know, it is the outer packaging that will change.

I hope and pray that you can still accept me in your life as one of your parents that truly loves you.

All my Love

Some random thoughts from my brain

I wonder if others understand me:

I read an article more than a year ago that talked about being transgender and others trying to understand what it meant. So much is written and so many not understanding. The article said that you need to imaging yourself being born with some debilitating birth defect. Going on it said, that is how transgender people feel about their own body.

It’s hard to understand I know. It’s hard to put into terms that others can readily understand. Feeling one way looking another. It can’t be easy since everybody, more or less, has their pre-conceived notions on everything. Sometimes it hard to get through to others. Sometimes it’s hard for the individual living through the experience.

Looking one way, feeling another way … it causes a lot of inner turmoil. Eventually, I think, in one way or another the individual comes to terms with themselves. Then it’s moving on to get others to understand. All the talking and explaining oneself.

Sometimes I don’t understand myself but I know myself. I truly wonder if anyone understands me.

~~~~~

I’m beginning to love myself:

It started a number of years back, after I came to grips with the war and the battle that raged inside me for so long. I accepted myself and moved on. I became comfortable with myself and the contradiction I lived with for so many years.

It didn’t matter anymore. The contradiction of the outside and the inside. I was then and am now me regardless of the outside wrapping. The me I was really was okay and lovable. I can love myself for the person I am and not feel guilty or bad or anything else. Can’t run, can’t hide … don’t want to any more.

Confucius said “And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.”

And here I am … me, settling in. Comfortable. Loving. Lovable. Caring. Happy. Yes, there is still stress and all the other things that make me want to scream and run away.

But all in all, I’m begining to love and like myself for who I am.

~~~~~

I’m different:

I’m different. In one way I’m there in others I’m so far away. The mind is the ‘leader’ of the body. The mind decides and sometimes the heart decides.

I’m modest, some might say prim and proper.  I’m also feminine, adventourous and lovable.

The real me is somewhere in between wanting to spread her wings. I am different. I show it in my way now and will increase that way over time.

I am fine with it, hope you are too.

~~~~~

Want to transition:

I’ve known forever that my body was wrong. I’ve also known, thought for a period I tried to deny it, that eventually I would become a woman.

That may seem like a mis-statement to some, however I was born female. I just had the bad luck to be born in a man’s body.

I am at peace inside my self, no more wars between a female and male side seeking dominance. My mind and heart are one knowing I am female and my spirit soars knowing that truth. One day, when the responsibilities I have taken on living as a male are finished, I will begin my transition.

The time is getting nearer and EP has helped me express my feeling more and more. I will need to begin by seeing a therapist and then work step-by-step through hormone therapy, breast augmentation and facial feminization surgeries to the ultimate surgery. My Gender Reassignment surgery will be the final step in becoming whole.

I have a vague timetable due to my responsibilities but in the next few years will need to firm it up and “come out” to one and all, family and friends and coworkers. The I will begin on my new path.

Till then I prepare my mind and body in other ways. And I’ll not neglect my soul because I know Jesus is my savior and I have a place with him.

It’s right for me …

Every waking and sleeping moment

I wish I was a girl!

It is true. Life moves on and moves slowly. It inexorably moves where our dreams lead us.

I have always felt this way, as far back as I can remember … ‘I wish I was a girl!’

[A re-post I wrote from another site]

A proud parent

Each different and her own woman … however they are exceptional in every way.

Had my heart from the first second they entered my life.

[A re-post I wrote from another site]

A T-girl … A Woman!

I am a transexual and I have know this all my life. Early in my life i accepted it and was happy.

Then came the time in my life where i had to be what society expected and I tried that. I never really accepted myself and had internal battles raging almost constantly. Things got pretty bad and I thought about ending my struggle.

And I did … by accepting myself again. Much better than my contemplated alternative. I realized that it was alright to be myself. Really always was and i wasted time fighting myself.

So now I’m alive and enjoying being myself. I’m not fully out but allowing my mind, heart, spirit and soul to be and soar as the woman I am is … wonderful.

Emotions are a large part of me and change rapidly. Highs and lows, laughter and tears … all part of daily life.

All that said, I find that my chronological age is one thing, and my “emotional age” as a woman is far younger, decades younger maybe. i begin my journey way behind the learning curve as compared to genetic women. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. There will be some life’s lessons that i will not learn fully in the time available to me.

For the most part I am happy, happier than I have ever been. Yet, another part of me has the the feeling that I’ve have a lot of catching up to do, especially where men are concerned. I have hid these feelings for so long now I find that my mind works overtime whenever i see a handsome man. I imagine being swept off my feet and held and kissed and exploring his body.

Sometimes i just can stop myself in my thoughts. Maybe not a teenager but certainly younger emotionally. i know not to rush head long into exploring my self but the thoughts or hormones or whatever rage on. It may even show itself in the fact that I like and want to wear short dresses and skirts rather than always knee length or perhaps longer.

All this will eventually work itself to the right and proper balance for me. I’m confident in that and in myself in what ever mode or manner I present myself.

I am happy right now. Happy knowing i am a woman and that I have a place in this world. Happy knowing that someday I will be able to fully express myself as the woman i am. Knowing that makes it somewhat easier in my moving slowly to get there and not breaking anything, myself or others, along the journey.

When I accepted myself years ago i gave up caring about the reason why I was the way I am. I am me. I am who I am, so there it is. The cause is not important, the living is. One day at a time being the best me i can, learning and developing and one day … I will blossom.

[A re-post I wrote from another site]

Yes, I love men

Well, lets see if i can give you some reasons that I’ve come to know.

I like that men are “doers”, they are always moving forward.

I like that their very presence can be very soothing to me and make me feel safe.

I love how they behave like little boys when they are happy or hurt.

I like their muscles and even though I could open a jar myself … I like their help.

I like that they are hard and that they are built different than me.

I fell like a real woman when i’m with a man as they hold a door for me or help me with my chair.

I like that they look so dashing in a uniform or a tux.

I love that they can give a great hugs and make a heart melt.

I love them because they talk less and I can, if I want, talk as much as I want.

I love them cause they are not as complicated as me.

[A re-post I wrote from another site]